Who On Trial: "The Chase"

[Patrick]

*THIS SESSION OF THE COURT OF WRINKLY ADJUCTION IS NOW IN SESSION, THE HONORABLE JUDGE PATRICK PRESIDING! ALL RISE!*


Be seated. I see by the docket that our case is "The People v. 'The Chase'", a case with some history to it, as it dates back to 1965. We are here to establish this story's place in Wrinklydom, whether it is a worthy tale, befitting of 'iconic' status, or rubbish to be condemned to The Void, never to be heard of, or spoken about again. The charges are serious, but the defense is adamant. It will be up to the jury to weigh the evidence presented and make their finding, which shall be binding and enforceable upon the rendering of the verdict.

Our lead prosecutor in this case is Stanmore, a man with a reported unhealthy attraction to Ms. Emilia Rumford and her stones of blood. This makes him committed to the cause of exposing 'The Chase' as risible tripe.

Our counsel for the defense is C=O, resplendantly outfitted in his silver jump suit, and coming to us from TC-7, a long time ago. He is charged with defending the honor, integrity and significance of 'The Chase.' And he is a formidable litigator.

Now, with our introductions to our attorneys accomplished, this is how we shall proceed. The prosecution, being the prosecution, will be allowed to make their opening argument first. Upon the conclusion of his screed, the defense shall make it's opening statement, and I have some WD-40 handy in case any of the Cyber-Defense's joints start creeking. Let the record reflect that any rusty squeeking is to be stricken from the record.

Following opening statements, the prosecution's case will begin. He is allowed to call witnesses- fellow Wrinklies, quoted texts from anyone involved in the production, and on the stand questioning of the fictional characters involved in the drama. At the conclusion of each witness' direct examination, the defense will be permitted to cross-examine this evidence.

When the prosecution has called all their witnesses, and I reserve the right to make the call on when he's done, the defense will open their case, again calling witnesses. The prosecution shall be allowed to then cross-examine the defense's witnesses in the same ruthless manner I expect the C-O will employ on his cross-examinations. Similar limitations on the length of the defense's case will also apply.

During this, members of the jury, you will be allowed to raise points of order to clarify testimony and hold the two opposing counsel's feet to the fire to prove their case. I've scheduled this case to take no more than one week in duration, at the end of which, the jury will be handed the case to decide. And unlike other trials, this doesn't require a unanimous verdict, merely a simple majority. So pay careful attention to the evidence submitted and the testimony offered, for this case will rest upon how you find them, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, and Tessellected Fax Machines.

Now, I hereby call this trial to order. Mr. Prosecutor, your opening statement, please.

[Tessellated Facsimile]

point of order, mr clerk of the court dialface! when do we get fed? i could murder a cup of tea and a bacon butty!

[The Co=Ordinator]

I much prefer Judge Judy.

[Tessellated Facsimile]

I much prefer Judge Judy.

Yes. At least she waffles less.

[The Co=Ordinator]

[stanmore]

Our lead prosecutor in this case is Stanmore, a man with a reported unhealthy attraction to Ms. Emilia Rumford and her stones of blood.

I object! There's nothing unhealthy about it...

I will prepare my statement when I get home.

[Patrick]

point of order, mr clerk of the court dialface! when do we get fed? i could murder a cup of tea and a bacon butty!

*Bangs gavel three times*
You are out of order, Ms T-square! One more outburst like that, and I'll find you in contempt. Now, go play with your saucer disc gun outside.

I much prefer Judge Judy.

Cynic!

[The Co=Ordinator]

The truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

[Tessellated Facsimile]

*Bangs gavel three times*
You are out of order, Ms T-square! One more outburst like that, and I'll find you in contempt. Now, go play with your saucer disc gun outside.

And you're all out of credibility Mr. Gasgage. 1) a court clerk doesn't get to "bang" anything and 2) UK court judges don't use a gavel - that's a pure dramatic invention. Do your research! (Blame Sid. Cos he spent our school years hammering the importance of good research into our heads).

I much prefer Judge Judy.

Cynic!

I'd have said "Realist".

[Tessellated Facsimile]

I'd have said "Realist".

I'd have said Deluded!

[Patrick]

I'd have said "Realist".

I'd have said Deluded!

Stanmore, your opening argument please, just so we won't have to the split personality anymore.

[Tessellated Facsimile]

Stanmore, your opening argument please, just so we won't have to the split personality anymore.

excuse me! it's easy to tell us apart. I'm the funny one - and the other...isn't.

[stanmore]

*clutches lapels*

I put it to you, that The Chase faces two charges here today. Not only does it stand accused of being rubbish, a crime it is so startlingly obvious that it committed that the very fact it got to trial makes a mockery of the justice system, but I also put it to you that it is guilty of fraud – of impersonating a good Doctor Who story and a story in general. It is also guilty of wasting police time. The story had ten million viewers, so that almost certainly included policemen whose time was wasted as much as every other unfortunate that watched it.

*consults his big book of law to see whether he can add another charge to a trial once it is underway. Apparently he cannot. Does it anyway*

Let us take look at the first charge – that it is rubbish. Well, the story is staged with the sloppiness (and over-ambitiousness) that director Richard Martin patented, the writing is painfully thin, the characterisation slight and the plotting non-existent and the acting features the regulars on autopilot and the irregulars straight from a school play. It ranges between being a comedy without any humorous moments, a drama without any dramatic moments and variety show without any entertainment. Essentially, The Chase is a real case of “this’ll do”; from a producer who was using the series as a series of experiments to see what worked on prime-time television, a writer that had grown tired of the program but still enjoyed the pay-packet that his creations gave him, a regular supporting cast who quite obviously saw no further development possible in their characters and a director who routinely allowed his audience to hear the wheeling of cameras on the studio floor and to see the flesh of stage hands holding up a wobbling wall. It is summed up by the most engaging section – Ian and Barbara’s joyous larking around swinging London – is director by an interloper (Douglas Camfield).

This is just an overview. We shall see the details of how things went shockingly wrong as I collate the evidence against The Chase.

*goes off to watch Mad Men for a couple of hours to delay his opening statement even further and to allow his guileless waffle to descend into arrant nonsense*

The second charge – that of fraud – is more complex. The Chase has had down the years had many willing accomplices in perpetuating the myth that it is worthwhile. There are a number of stories that inspired a number of seven year olds, who got older and managed to convince future generations that it was amazing. The Chase never quite had that, but that loyalty of those seven year olds that had waiting six months for the next exciting encounter with Skaro’s finest has allowed this story’s reputation to be unfairly left undragged through the sewer. But it never seems to have had the backlash either – because it seldom gets reviewed as a story. This is quite correct – it isn’t a story – it’s a painfully slow Dalek variety special complete with a song and sketches. If The Chase is counted as proper Doctor Who, then so should the Prime Computer adverts, that dance done by Craig Ferguson and the toy rabbit and Tom Baker shouting at Frank Bough.

*collapses*

[Tessellated Facsimile]

well, you sold me!

GUILTY!

[Patrick]

You haven't even heard the Cyber=Defense, yet, T-square. And your uncle would be most cross with you for finding "The Chase" guilty without a defense being mounted.

A very good opening statement, Stanmore. Now we hear from the Defense.

Could someone summon our Defense Council back from TC-7, a long time ago, to make his opening remarks?

Now, Stanmore, while we're waiting for the C=O, remember that your next challenge is to line up your witnesses and prepare for your direct examinations of each. Your case will start upon the conclusion of C=O's opening statement.

[Tessellated Facsimile]

Hey! The prosecutors sneaked in an extra charge illegally after the case had began - and his socks didn't match - which means.

MISTRIAL!

[The Co=Ordinator]

My learned Col. Pickering, Ladies, Gentlemen and Eocenes of the Jury. I will keep my opening statement short and to the point.

Counsel for the Prosecution (aka The Brickyard) is only a young lad. He has a singular lack of understanding of the history of television and did not live through its incredible development through the 1960's and 1970's. Therefore the sublime genius of "The Chase" completely bypasses him.

Perhaps he finds the story's complex mix of post modern irony, cultural and iconic references, humour, thrills, spills and dramatic tension is too much to take onboard. As I will conclusively show, "The Chase" is unquestionably a marvellous example of *Mid-Billy* Doctor Who, and should not even have been put on trial in the first place.

Over to you Your Honour with a u.

[Tessellated Facsimile]

YAY! You made it sound brilliant - even though it's technically a mistrial.

NOT GUILTY!

[Patrick]

I've just made my first judicial ruling: Tessellated Fax will not be permitted to participate in the jury deliberations, as we'd like to get a verdict before the sun exhausts it's nuclear furnace.

Stanmore, with the Cyber-Defense's opening statement now on the record, you may call your first witness.

[Tessellated Facsimile]

I've just made my first judicial ruling: Tessellated Fax will not be permitted to participate in the jury deliberations, as we'd like to get a verdict before the sun exhausts it's nuclear furnace.

Mr. Your HonoUr Dialface.

You...have...opened...the..gates...of...

HELL!!!

-flounces off in search of The Chase-

[Patrick]

Opening statements have been made and noted. Personally, I think Stanmore had a true triumph on the style of presentation, but as a short form argument, the Cyber One did better.

Now, we move to testimony. Stanmore, you get to now call some witnesses, introduce some evidence, and generally do your best to bloody the nose of "The Chase." Bear in mind that all witnesses you call are subject to cross-examination from the rusty Cyber=Defense. However, you can call fictional characters as witnesses, so we expect a great show.

Now, as for the Tessellateds, I've decided to reverse my previous "no food in the courtroom" finding, and authorize a saucer of milk for them both. Meow, you're both welcome.

[Tessellated Facsimile]

Opening statements have been made and noted. Personally, I think Stanmore had a true triumph on the style of presentation, but as a short form argument, the Cyber One did better.

I OBJECTI! - POINT OF ORDER!

mr. justice petrolhead has clearly moved past the bounds of his authority and failed in his sworn duty to be fair and impartial with this latest blatantly self-opinionated outburst. so I insist that in the interests of true justice wiggy RECUSES himself from presiding over this trial on the grounds that his remarks have constituted a clear and unambiguous conflict of interest and/or lack of impartiality. for the 2nd time in as many days - this is clear grounds to declare a MISTRIAL

Now, as for the Tessellateds, I've decided to reverse my previous "no food in the courtroom" finding, and authorize a saucer of milk for them both. Meow, you're both welcome.

exhibiting favouritism towards a person/persons directly involved in court proceedings. yet more proof of his honoUr's unfitness to continue overseeing this trial.
RECUSES YOURSELF!

-naughty, naughty mr. justice dashboard-bonce. welcome to hell-

[The Co=Ordinator]

mr. justice dashboard-bonce.

[Tessellated Facsimile]

mr. justice dashboard-bonce.

[Patrick]

Opening statements have been made and noted. Personally, I think Stanmore had a true triumph on the style of presentation, but as a short form argument, the Cyber One did better.

I OBJECTI! - POINT OF ORDER!

mr. justice petrolhead has clearly moved past the bounds of his authority and failed in his sworn duty to be fair and impartial with this latest blatantly self-opinionated outburst. so I insist that in the interests of true justice wiggy RECUSES himself from presiding over this trial on the grounds that his remarks have constituted a clear and unambiguous conflict of interest and/or lack of impartiality. for the 2nd time in as many days - this is clear grounds to declare a MISTRIAL

Now, as for the Tessellateds, I've decided to reverse my previous "no food in the courtroom" finding, and authorize a saucer of milk for them both. Meow, you're both welcome.

exhibiting favouritism towards a person/persons directly involved in court proceedings. yet more proof of his honoUr's unfitness to continue overseeing this trial.
RECUSES YOURSELF!

-naughty, naughty mr. justice dashboard-bonce. welcome to hell-

Objection Over-ruled. Now sit down and quietly lap up your saucer of milk.

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