An alternate "The Eleventh Hour"

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An alternate "The Eleventh Hour"

Post by sparacus on Mon Apr 05, 2010 4:06 pm

OK, it is clear that 'The Eleventh Hour' has recieved a largely favourable response, however I feel that aspects of it could have been much much better. Here is an alternate synopsis of the story which hopefully will show how I would have presented the story:

The Eleventh Hour

Alone in her bedroom, young Amy Pond is staring sadly at the crack in the wall. She has few toys and her room is bare and shabby, due to neglect by her abusive aunt. As she starts to hum a tune to herself she hears footsteps on the landing and the door is flung open. It is Linda Pond, her late father's older sister & Amy's sole guardian. She has a cigarette in her mouth and is worse for wear on vodka:
"Shut that damn racket you little bitch. You do my 'ed in."
Amy cowers in fear as she has recieved a thwack from her aunt many times for less. But this time something strange happens. There is a transluscent glow from the crack in the wall and suddenly a glimmering snake-like creature emerges. Linda drops her vodka bottle as the creature shoots at her head. She is instantly posessed by the thing and walks out of the room and out of the house into the cold, misty night. Amy is relieved that her aunt has gone and lies down to sleep.

Meanwhile the burning TARDIS crashes in the garden. The Doctor emerges, dishevelled, and staggers towards the house. He knocks on the door several times before Amy creeps downstairs and lets him in.
"Excuse me but can I speak to your parents please" the Doctor mumbles.
"They're both dead. I'm looked after by my aunt but she's just gone out" Amy replies.
"What and she's left you in the house on your own? That is totally irresponsible, although sadly not necessarily uncommon. May I come in and rest for a while. I assure you that I am not a criminal; I am in fact a time traveller" the Doctor states.
"Thats ok. My aunt doesn't mind criminals anyway, not the sort that sell her white powdery stuff anyway".
The Doctor is disgusted:
"This is outrageous. When will she be back, I'll give her a right good taking to" he sternly states.
"I don't know. This smake thing came out of the wall and took her over." Amy mumbles.
The Doctor rushes inside, concerned. He grabs a sandwich from the kitchen table and wolfs it down before rushing upstairs. He inspects the crack and is shocked to see strange dark forms moving inside. The crack closes.
"Oh no. That is a time fissure and whatever has escaped could be from anywhere in the universe. I must use the TARDIS to locate the precise point in time that the place behind the crack is at."
"Can I come with you" Amy asks.
"No. You are too young. However I will text social services on my way out".
The Doctor picks up the vodka bottle and throws it in the downstairs bin, while grabbing another sandwich. He then rushes back to the TARDIS............


.................. to be continued.
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Re: An alternate "The Eleventh Hour"

Post by Graymalkin on Mon Apr 05, 2010 4:14 pm

sparacus wrote:"That is totally irresponsible, although sadly not necessarily uncommon.

I assure you that I am not a criminal; I am in fact a time traveller"

"You are too young. However I will text social services on my way out"

It's dialogue of this quality that has me literary-ally itching for the second part. Bravo!
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Re: An alternate "The Eleventh Hour"

Post by sparacus on Mon Apr 05, 2010 4:47 pm

"THE ELEVENTH HOUR" : continued

The TARDIS lands in Little Bidcombe in 2010. The Doctor admires his new, gleaming silver and white TARDIS console. The design is futuristic and minimalist. John Foxx's 'Metamatic" album plays in the background, which was a gift from a former companion. The Doctor felt that some music would help him relax after regenerating. He is now dressed in a tweed jacket and bowtie.
Leaving the TARDIS, he strides out of a spinney onto a country lane. The sun is shining and he sniffs the air:
"Hmm there is nothing like the smell of England in the summer. I feel better already" he mumbles to himself. He pulls a futuristic phone out of his pocket which he uses to lead him to the time fizzure. Walking along, he sees a group of Morris Dancers on the village green and can't resist joining in. As he vainly tries to match their dancing he hears laughter behind him. Turning round he sees a young woman in a police uniform laughing at him:
"Excuse me madam but I'd rather you didn't laugh at my dancing efforts" he shouts.
"Efforts being the right word. Your legs are too long for that, you look like a drunken crane fly" the woman shouts, giggling and eating a small pork pie.
"I am the Doctor. And who might you be?"
"Amy Pond. And before you say anything, I'm a kissagram not a policewoman. I was hired to give Sir Reginald Haxonby a treat.
"Who's he?" the Doctor asks.
"Chairman on the Village Hall Committee. Its his birthday. Eighty seven. I let him put his hand up my skirt and the old devil nearly had a heart attack" *Amy laughs again*.

Meanwhile by the side of the green, something senses the Doctor's presence. It appears to be Gerald Dobbs a farm labourer and his dog, however Dobbs is posessed by the escaped creature. It eyes the Doctor menacingly...... An elderly woman notices Dobbs' mouth widen revealing an horrific, animalistic appearance. Before she can scream, an invisible energy beam shoots from Dobb's mouth and sets her on fire, the flames hissing and spitting through her hair. Dobbs slips away quickly.
The Doctor rushes to help, however the old lady collapses dead in a smoking heap.
"Wha... what the hell happened?" Amy asks.
"Amy, there are forces at work in this village that could threaten the entire future of this planet. However I will do my very best to overcome them, as I always do".

........... to be continued.
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Re: An alternate "The Eleventh Hour"

Post by Exterminieren on Mon Apr 05, 2010 4:56 pm

Copy and paste:

I feel ill. Seriously, you've taken an magical and charming episode and buggered the living hell out of it. I can ignore your witterings when you're writing your own useless stories, but this runs completely perpendicular to anything that Doctor Who should be.
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Re: An alternate "The Eleventh Hour"

Post by The Co=Ordinator on Tue Apr 06, 2010 1:37 am

Perhaps a tad harsh Exterminieren. I thought there was some cutting satire & social commentary, particularly in part one.

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Re: An alternate "The Eleventh Hour"

Post by Exterminieren on Tue Apr 06, 2010 1:54 am

Tad harsh?

NOT HARSH ENOUGH!
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Re: An alternate "The Eleventh Hour"

Post by sparacus on Tue Apr 06, 2010 3:30 am

"The Eleventh Hour": continued

The Doctor rushes through the village towards an old, delapidated house, folowed by an intrigued Amy.
"Why are you interested in MY house?" she demands. The Doctor looks at her.
"Your house? You wouldn't be the little girl who lived here over ten years ago surely. I phoned social services."
Amy looks him up and down:
"Actually... I do remember you. You came that night my Aunt disappeared. But this can't be right; you haven't changed...."
The Doctor puts his arm around her:
"My dear, I will explain all of that in due course. Right now can you tell me what happened to this house after that point in time?"
"I was fostered out to Mr and Mrs Pegg at the Post Office. This place just stood empty for years as my Aunt never came back. I want to see about renovating it however I lack the money."
The Doctor strides into the house and upstairs. He inspects the bedroom wall:
"The crack in the wall will re-open any time now. Whatever lies behind it has chosen this point in time to emerge and pursue whatever escaped."
Suddenly the crack reopens and several slim black creatures emerge with featureless faces and silver belts and weapons.
"Oh no. Its the eternal guardians of the penal planet Osias. RUN Amy!"

The Doctor and Amy run out of the house as the figures pursue them. Running through the village, they run into the Post Office and upstairs to Amy's room. The Doctor explains:
"Whatever escaped must be extremely dangerous. Those guardians will try to locate it, however if they can't they will eliminate all animal life on this planet. That is within their remit as its a case of the end justifying the means. We have got to find the alien first and give it a chance to voluntarily surrender."
"That sounds a bit wet to me" Amy remarks.
"It is important to use reason before force" the Doctor replies, "I suggest that you use this opportunity to change your clothes. Nice legs by the way."
Amy pouts then shows the Doctor to the kitchen and makes him a cup of tea which he drinks while she changes. There is a cricket match going on outside and the Doctor watches it out of the window.

Later they set off to find the creature.
"It will keep changing its form to avoid detection" the Doctor states.
Suddenly a figure appears in front of them and Amy gasps:
"Its my Aunt......"
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Re: An alternate "The Eleventh Hour"

Post by The Co=Ordinator on Tue Apr 06, 2010 3:42 am

sparacus wrote:"Oh no. Its the eternal guardians of the penal planet Osias."

I hoped it was going to be Ben Chatham.

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Re: An alternate "The Eleventh Hour"

Post by Graymalkin on Tue Apr 06, 2010 4:05 am

I was hoping for David Bowie...
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Re: An alternate "The Eleventh Hour"

Post by Starfighter Pilot on Tue Apr 06, 2010 9:40 am

The Co=Ordinator wrote:
sparacus wrote:"Oh no. Its the eternal guardians of the penal planet Osias."

I hoped it was going to be Ben Chatham.

I hope he turns up, otherwise I don't see how this story could possibly be canonical.
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Re: An alternate "The Eleventh Hour"

Post by Nick Barlow on Tue Apr 06, 2010 11:41 am

Graymalkin wrote:I was hoping for David Bowie...
Surely he'll turn up in the webcam scene, as the assembled geniuses of the world realise they need his input.

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Re: An alternate "The Eleventh Hour"

Post by stanmore on Tue Apr 06, 2010 11:46 am

Script, Tony! Script!
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Re: An alternate "The Eleventh Hour"

Post by The Co=Ordinator on Tue Apr 06, 2010 12:44 pm

It may be too difficult for me to adapt such wonderful prose.

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Re: An alternate "The Eleventh Hour"

Post by sparacus on Tue Apr 06, 2010 12:56 pm

"The Eleventh Hour": continued

The Doctor informs Amy that this is not actually her aunt but the alien which has taken on her form. Amy is nonetheless blinded by anger at the sight of the aunt who abused her and rushes forward shouting. A beam of energy shoots out from the alien, however the Doctor pulls Amy out of the way just in time.
"That was a very stupid thing to do; you could have been killed. Don't ever let your emotions get the better of you like that again" the Doctor shouts. Amy apologises as the alien darts off down a side lane.

Later at the Post Office, Mrs Pegg informs Amy and the Doctor of a strange item on the local news. All the coma patients at nearby Castoby General Hospital had begun to speak simultaneously, saying "you will surrender or we will cleanse this world of all life". The Doctor informs Amy that they are picking up a telepathic communication from the Guardians to the alien.
"The earth is in grave peril Amy. However help is at hand."
"What help?" Amy asks. As she speaks a convoy of military vehicles enters the village. It is UNIT, now led in the UK by Brigadier James Ansell (played by James Wilby). The Brigadier enters the Post Office and the Doctor introduces himself:
"Pleased to meet you Doctor. I've heard much about you. I recently met a former companion of yours Jo Grant at a social function in London. She was wondering how you were. She is currently involved in organic farming and ecological research in Wales with her husband". The Doctor smiles:
"I'm very pleased to hear that she's stuck to her principles. So many of that sixties generation didn't. Anyway Brigadier, what do you propose to do about the alien?"
"Round up all the villagers and hold them in an internment camp until the alien reveals itself". The Doctor frowns:
"That is typical militarism; far too over the top".
"Don't be a wet fool Doctor", the Brigadier replies.

As the Brigadier leaves, the Doctor grabs Amy's arm:
"We'd better find the alien ourselves before he and his lads have chance to put their gung-ho plan into action. Come on". The Doctor rushes outside and uses his futuristic phone to try and track the alien.
"This is no good. The signal is too weak. However it can be boosted via linking to the internet. Do you have a computer?"
"No I'm too poor. However my cousin Sam does".
They go round to Sam's house where the Doctor finds him in his room looking at gay porn on his laptop.
"You need to get yourself a boyfriend" the Doctor exclaims as he plugs his phone into the laptop. A map on the village comes up with a light flashing on the cricket pavilion.
"The alien is in there. Lets go *to Sam* delete your hard drive to remove any trace of my phone" the Doctor exclaims.


........ to be continued.
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Re: An alternate "The Eleventh Hour"

Post by The Co=Ordinator on Tue Apr 06, 2010 1:50 pm

spara, Jo's ecological epihany was in the 70's, not 60's. I'd have thought a renowned Whovianologist ike yourself would have known that.

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Re: An alternate "The Eleventh Hour"

Post by sparacus on Tue Apr 06, 2010 3:55 pm

"The Eleventh Hour" concusion

"The Eleventh Hour" - conclusion

The Doctor and Amy run towards the cricket pavilion, however as they pass the village green a huge eye appears in the sky and they find themselves surrounded by the Guardians. They appear to have no mouths however they are able to speak:
"You are the prisoner. You must be executed."The Doctor realises that they are talking about him:
"Look, I suggest that you think about what you are doing. I am a Time Lord, the last of the Time Lords in fact. You think I am the prisoner because you are detecting residue on me from travelling in time. But that is what I do. Why not analyse me properly."A huge beam of light emenates from the eye and engulfs the Doctor. His clothes evaporate and he is left standing naked . Eventually the light stops.
"You are not the prisoner" the Guardians say.
"Ten out of ten" the Doctor replies.Amy eyes the naked Doctor and nudges him:
"I could say the same from where I'm standing". The Doctor blushes and covers his groin with his hands:
"Kindy return my attire!" he shouts. The clothes suddenly reappear on him:
"Now there is no time to lose. Your prisoner is in that cricket pavilion. Let us commence an arrest."

Entering the pavilion, the Doctor and Amy are shocked to see a pile of dead cricketers and standing behind them is Amy's aunt.
"Please give yourself up" the Doctor pleads. The prisoner scowls.
"I did not create the crack in time. It was created by others. There is a darkness coming".Amy frowns.
"We don't care."The Doctor stares at her:
"You should not be so dismissive of such information. Remember that this isn't your real aunt. *to the Guardians* Please just take your prisoner back into confinement. There is no need for execution, the death penalty just lowers you to the same moral level as the killer themself. However I must speak with this prisoner first about this crack in time".However before he can do so, a bolt of energy from the eye in the sky eliminates the prisoner. Then the Guardians ascend up into the eye and it vanishes.


Later the Doctor, Amy and the Brigadier are discussing recent events in the Red Lion over a drink.
"There should have been another way, there was no need to kill the prisoner" the Doctor states.
"What about this crack in time?" Amy asks.
"I'm very worried Amy. However I assure you that I will try to get to the bottom of it" the Doctor replies.Amy looks at him:
"Can I join you on your travels Doctor? There is so little for me here".The Doctor squeezes her hand:
"Of course. I am so lonely; I've lost so many people close to me. I need company."The Brigadier lightens the mood:
"By the way, I bumped into another former companion of yours last week at my club; Ben Chatham. Splendid chap."The Doctor smiles:
"Ben is one of the best. I must catch up with him.............."

............... the end.
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Re: An alternate "The Eleventh Hour"

Post by sparacus on Tue Apr 06, 2010 3:57 pm

The Co=Ordinator wrote:spara, Jo's ecological epihany was in the 70's, not 60's. I'd have thought a renowned Whovianologist ike yourself would have known that.

But she was a kind of 60s era person
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Re: An alternate "The Eleventh Hour"

Post by The Co=Ordinator on Wed Apr 07, 2010 2:10 am

Hooray for the Ben mention!

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Re: An alternate "The Eleventh Hour"

Post by Exterminieren on Wed Apr 07, 2010 3:58 am

sparacus wrote:
"By the way, I bumped into another former companion of yours last week at my club; Ben Chatham. Splendid chap."The Doctor smiles:
"Ben is one of the best. I must catch up with him.............."

............... the end.

Urge to kill... rising.
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Re: An alternate "The Eleventh Hour"

Post by The Co=Ordinator on Wed Apr 07, 2010 7:33 am

spara, what happened to the thread at GB? I was appalled at what some people were posting about you - did it just get removed wholesale?

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Re: An alternate "The Eleventh Hour"

Post by sparacus on Wed Apr 07, 2010 3:14 pm

The Co=Ordinator wrote:spara, what happened to the thread at GB? I was appalled at what some people were posting about you - did it just get removed wholesale?

It vanished completely. Presumably considered too provocative a concept. Like re-writing the Bible.
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Re: An alternate "The Eleventh Hour"

Post by Nick Barlow on Wed Apr 07, 2010 3:28 pm

sparacus wrote:
The Co=Ordinator wrote:spara, what happened to the thread at GB? I was appalled at what some people were posting about you - did it just get removed wholesale?

It vanished completely. Presumably considered too provocative a concept. Like re-writing the Bible.
Is that your next project?

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Re: An alternate "The Eleventh Hour"

Post by The Co=Ordinator on Wed Apr 07, 2010 4:22 pm

The Gospel according to sparacus. Smile A non-synoptic version of Doctor Who.

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Re: An alternate "The Eleventh Hour"

Post by barnaby morbius on Thu Apr 08, 2010 1:37 pm

i'm not sure the british public will ever be ready for this...
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Re: An alternate "The Eleventh Hour"

Post by Lucy McGough on Fri Apr 09, 2010 2:10 am

The British public are cultural pygmies!
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