Return To The Valley Of The Wrinklies

Patrick wrote:Frank, I do remember your original review for Arc of Infinity. Told by the Ergon, if memory serves. That was comedic gold.

Yep, me also. Frank's review can be a veritable mine of comedic gold when the mood strikes him

Patrick wrote:

Frank wrote:Normal service will be resumed very soon with 'Arc of Infinity'...

Frank, I do remember your original review for Arc of Infinity. Told by the Ergon, if memory serves. That was comedic gold.

I've spoken to the Ergon. He reversed the charges from Amsterdam but the gist is that he's given permission for his diary to be republished here as long as I send him a supply of Cadbury's Creme Eggs. Must have something to do with looking like a chicken. So... later tonight the diary will once again see the light of day.

Frank wrote:I've spoken to the Ergon. He reversed the charges from Amsterdam but the gist is that he's given permission for his diary to be republished here as long as I send him a supply of Cadbury's Creme Eggs. Must have something to do with looking like a chicken. So... later tonight the diary will once again see the light of day.

*hops with glee*

*would love to see a hopping Eocene*

The Co=Ordinator wrote:*would love to see a hopping Eocene*

I'll electrify the floor of the Hatchling's room and film the results for you.

Were you, perchance, anywhere near Newbury racecourse last Saturday?

Er, why no. Absolutely not. In fact I was in whatever place is at the absolute furtherest point from Newbury racecourse as it's possible to get and still remain within the British Isles.

*makes a note to cash in the wad of betting slips in his back pocket*

Arc Of Infinity

'My Diary' by the Ergon.

Day 1. 10.00am

Here we go again. His nibs has decided we should up sticks to Amsterdam. I was quite pleased by that when he mentioned it over this morning’s breakfast. Rice Krispies, again.

Hoped we would do the red-light district and smoke a few spliffs. He’s going to relax, I thought. No more of this going on about nobbling the Time Lords again. Honestly, he can be such a bore…

Anyway, we end up in a bloody pumping station. It stinks, it’s full of rats and I can’t get a wink of sleep for all the noise. When I asked him why…why a pumping station?...he muttered something about ‘it’s below sea level to enable the booster to work’. Banging on about this Arc Of Infinity thing again. Arse of Infinity, if you ask me.

Don’t get me wrong, Amsterdam’s very picturesque but I’ve a nagging feeling that where we’ve ended up has no bearing on madam’s machinations. He’s landed us here just cos he can. Lovely canals, though.

Had a natter with Hedin last night. God, he’s hacked off. No wonder he wants him indoors back in the saddle on Gallifrey. The decorators 'have made an appalling faux-pas', he said, and the place apparently looks like the Time Lord version of a Holiday Inn. Most of the High Council has stormed off on an '18-900' package holiday which just leaves a couple of old duffers, Borusa and that Castellan fella who’s about as effective as a plank of wood. Keeps blathering on about his scrolls. Told him to see a Doctor.

And, for the umpteenth time, I’ve told Hedin to stop putting on that ridiculous voice. We know it’s him and it’s obvious to all and sundry that he’s got a cob on with his mates. He’s doing it just to wind me up. Oh, how terribly cloak and dagger, daaahhhhhling!

Day 2. 8.00pm

I was just settling down to watch Corrie when old 'Omekins' pokes me in the ribs (very prominent my ribs so it flamin' hurt!) and informs me that two back-packers are sleeping rough on our floor and would I kindly ask them to go please. I had a look and quite frankly they looked like two Dutch rent boys until one of them opened his gob. I think I detected a whiff of an Australian accent but I couldn’t be sure. I could swear they’ve brought one of them ghetto-blaster things with them cos the weird electronic music I keep hearing is very irritating, specially when you’re trying to work out what’s happened to Bet Lynch this week. Suppose it's all the rage for 1983.

Anyway, thought I’d have a bit of fun so I threw on the lights and put the extractor fan in the kitchen into reverse so all the smoke would cause a bit of distraction. The Australian one was a push over and I've got him taking the rubbish out but the other one’s buggered off. No doubt he’ll get the Australian relatives dragged into it all. Mark my words, they always do.

Day 3. 4.00am

Omega’s gone and done it now. Got the Doctor executed and has managed to grab his body. I must say the Matrix isn’t what it used to be. In my day you could have gone to town with a bit of psychological warfare using the Matrix but now it’s a cross between Top Of The Pops and a bouncy castle. Shocking. Then him indoors turns up with a new frock and I’m left feeling very inadequate. I feel like I’m wearing a fancy dress outfit or doing one of those street advertisements for KFC. It’s not on, you know. I might speak to my union rep about it.

Apparently, Hedin’s been found out by one of the birds that travels with the Doctor. Nyssa. Stupid name but she’s a rum one. The quiet ones are the worst, I tell you. Which is more than can be said for Maxil. Don't ask me why but his face is awfully familiar now. For a minute I thought he'd shot himself but then I realised it was that Doctor fella.

And the Australian one’s cousin has turned up. Told you. We did a quick scan and she turns out to be another bird that hangs round with the Doctor. For a Time Lord, he's a bit of a girl magnet. Like I’ve said, he’s just as bad as all the rest. And she’s been mouthing off about where we are in between all the arguments. She’ll be in for a shock when Omega turns up. He’ll have none of this on-off-on relationship with her. She'd have been left at Heathrow. Full stop. No second chances with Omega.

Very odd mind, that Tegan. One minute, she's thinking about hairdressers and new outfits and the next it all goes dark and all she can think about is snakes! How terribly Freudian.

Day 4. 3.00pm

That sodding Nyssa. She’s only nicked me anti-matter gun and used it on me. So, I’m parked up in a men’s ward in the local hospital. Maxil brought me a bunch of grapes and the paper. I’ve just read about Omega. He’s made a right mess transferring his body into the Doctor's. The Arc Of Infinity was mentioned again but I still haven’t a clue what anyone is going on about. And he's got black slime all over the kitchen floor and nobody to clean it up. Ruined his outfit. It’s deliberately showing off, if you ask me. And he’s buggered the TARDIS up. I was hoping to get to Lanzarotte next year. My friend Peter Wyngarde's been on the phone.

Omega looks terribly peaky in this photo in the paper and if he will have Rice Krispies for breakfast I do wish he’d wipe his mouth before gallivanting off around Amsterdam. The paper says he’s been harassing kiddies and street organists. He always had a penchant for ‘Tulips From Amsterdam’ as it brings out the sensitive side of his nature. Like all of us, he just wants his freedom. All a bit too late, now. The transfer was unstable and the Doctor and Nyssa have sent him packing back to his anti-matter world. Shame. We had a few laughs while it lasted. Often at my expense, I grant you. Still, I'm not stuck in that pumping station.

Better look for a new job. They’re auditioning for one of the ‘Alien’ sequels next week so I might give that a try. And some young lad called Rustle Tea Daveys has sent me a letter asking if I'd fancy a bit part in some am-dram thing he's written. Touchwood he calls it. My friend Catweazle's got a toad by that name. I'm not playing another flamin' toad.

'Diaries of a Ergon Maniac' will be published in full in the next issue of The People's Friend.

True comedic genius never ages.

By the way, for any of you interested my review of the Mara Tales box set is now up on Tachyon TV.

Kinda

Snakedance

Enjoy!

Brilliant! I shall away and 'ave a read presently.

Sid Seadevil wrote:Brilliant! I shall away and 'ave a read presently.

I read the reviews yesterday evening and as a result ordered the Mara Tales today...

I can guarantee that I will NEVER EVER buy Mara Tales. Infact it's very good of 2/e to put the worst 2 Doctor Who stories made since 1963 on one release.

The Co=Ordinator wrote:I can guarantee that I will NEVER EVER buy Mara Tales. Infact it's very good of 2/e to put the worst 2 Doctor Who stories made since 1963 on one release.

Well that definitely makes two of us.

I always knew you were a fine Eocene.

Just as I always suspected you possessed a highly developed sense of critical judgement when it comes to the Davison era.

Ha. I don't much like the Davison era but make an exception for Castrovalva which I definitely love and remember finding the Mara stories interesting so I want to see them again. Maybe I will be disappointed but I am absolutely certain they are not the worst Doctor Who stories ever made.

So there!!!

PS I will not listen to the commentaries as Janet Fielding and Peter Davison never have anything interesting to say about the stories and bore me nearly to death...

Well, I beg to differ. I love both of the stories featuring the Mara. There are far, far, far worse abominations that fit the 'worse story since 1963' brickbat. And a lot of them do feature a certain Mr. Davison!