"ORCHIDS IN JUNE" : A Play for the Theatre

"ORCHIDS IN JUNE" A Play for the Theatre



OK, taking a short break from Doctor Who/Ben Chatham fiction, I will post my play which is intended as a post-modern satire which blends elements of farce with straightforward drama.

Main characters:

Rosemary Lane: A mid- 30s suburban housewife
Estelle Hampson-Clark: Her friend , Oxbridge educated and the daughter of Viscount Reevesdale
Shaun Lane : Rosemary's husband, works for a computer software firm
Amy Lane: The Lanes' 17 year old daughter
Alistair Lane: Their 19 year old son
Bob Ware: the plumber & odd job man
Steve Crabbs: A drug-dealing hoodie with a grudge against the Lanes

Act 1 : Scene 1

In the Lanes' kitchen, Rosemary is chatting to Estelle and arranging orchids and roses in a vase.

Rosemary: Well what do you think? I do hope the colours of the roses don't clash with anything in this kitchen.

Estelle: Darling the whole arrangement is misconcieved. One simply should never mix orchids with other flowers and certainly not roses. It simply oozes vulgarity and the ignorant pretentions of new money. Orchids need subtelty and space. And that vase must go.

Rosemary: Oh but why? It was very espensive.

Estelle: It utterly reeks of John Lewis or some similar establishment. It lacks exclusivity and uniqueness. One feels it insults the orchids.

Rosemary: *tears welling up, dabs eyes with hanky* I never seem to get things right. No wonder Shaun is playing around with his secretary.

Estelle: Oh darling, we don't know this for certain yet. The private detective hasn't reported any findings yet has he?

Rosemary: Not yet.But I still know. I can tell when my husband is playing away. He eats more and doesn't fidget in bed.

The door bangs open and in walks Bob Ware the plumber

Bob: Hullo, I've come to look at your taps

Estelle: *gives his backside a squeeze* One simply adores a man with his shirtsleeves rolled up. Let me show you the upstairs bathroom....

They exit leaving Rosemary looking perplexed. In walks Amy:

Amy: I need money, like now

Rosemary: What for?

Amy: I need it now bitch. Just ****ing give us it

Rosemary: Ok darling *hands Amy £60 and Amy flounces out*.

Rosemary starts rearranging the orchids in a different vase.......

....... to be continued

"ORCHIDS IN JUNE"

ACT 1: Scene 2

Rosemary and Shaun are in the bedroom.

Rosemary: I know you are seeing that Carrie who works in your office. There is no point in denying it. *she flings a photograph at him* There!

Shaun casts a cursory glance at the picture

Shaun: So? We were engaged in a software discussion. And who took that picture? Have you been following me?

Rosemary: I've hired a private detective. I want to discuss our marriage in a full and proper way Shaun.

Shaun: Look love. You have a nice home & two nice kids. I give you plenty of money so stop whinging. If you don't like it you know where the door is.

Rosemary: *crying* Why are you being like this Shaun?

Shaun:*aside to audience* Methinks the daft trout is in need of some buttering. *To Rosemary* Look love, you know I really appreciate you. *Breaks wind* Now for some kip.

Suddenly the door flings open. It is Alistair

Alistair: Its awful, absolutely ghastly. How can I go on. *begins to sob hysterically*

Rosemary: Ally, what has happened?

Alistair: The Ensemble I booked for the Mozart recital on Saturday have pulled out. I may dash my brains out.

Shaun: Its time you got yourself a proper bloody job instead of doing voluntary work at that arts centre.

Rosemary: Don't shout at him Shaun. He's upset *moving over and cradling Alistair's head in her arms* my baby.

Shaun: Pass me the sick bucket

Suddenly there is a bang downstairs. Amy rushes in

Amy: Someone's like lobbed a brick through the window.

Shaun: Oh? I thought it was the toaster exploding. It just shows that you can't always recognise sounds. Anyroad, you deal with it . *turns over & goes to sleep*

..........to be continued.

ACT 1 : Scene 3

Rosemary & Alistair enter the downstairs lounge and see the broken window

Alistair: What a ghastly mess. Who could have done this to us.

Rosemary: What will the neighbours think?

There is a snigger from outside & Steve's face appears learing through the hole in the glass

Steve: Ere it looks like someone's bruck yer ****in winder ***** - ha ha ha

Rosemary: You've done this. We had every right to report you to the police for dealing drugs to my daughter.

Steve: I'm gonna slash yer up

Alistair: Go away and leave us alone *flicks floppy hair back defiantly*

Amy enters

Amy: Oh like hi Steve. Fancy a shag?

Steve: Yeah babe

Amy rushes out to him & Rosemary screams

Rosemary: SCREEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAMMMM. I don't know what is happening to my life. I can't understand it.

Alistair: Don't upset yourself.

Suddenly there is a loud crash outside

CRASH......


........to be continued

ACT 1: Scene 4

Rosemary and Alistair rush outside. They see that Steve has tripped up and fallen through the side of the greenhouse. Amy is pulling him up

Amy: Relax and let me pull you

Steve: Pull harder babe

Rosemary: You thug! You've knocked over two orchid pots and squashed my husband's tomatoes

Alistair: This is outrageous. We are decent people. I'm phoning the police *fiddles with his mobile*

A middle-aged man opens the gate and walks up the path

Jethro: *to Rosemary*Do you be Mrs Lane?

Rosemary: *lighting a cigarette* I am. What do you want?

Jethro: Oi waaant to speak to your 'usband.

Rosemary: What on earth about at this hour? He's in bed.

Jethro: Oi waaant to speak to im about moi computer. Eeee sold me some saaaaftware to record moi faaaarm sales ahn. An its roight buggered it up. Oi was entering moi sheep an it crashed on I.

Rosemary: You mean to say you've come round here about a work matter? See him at his office. How did you get this address?

Jethro: Oi sees all an oi says nowt

A police car arrives. Offstage, flashing lights are shone onto the stage. A policewoman enters

PC Wold : Hello. I understand that there has been an incident here.

Rosemary: Yes. This yob has thrown a brick through our window and then proceeded to break the greenhouse while trying to molest my daughter.

Steve: Ere I haven't toutched her tonight ... yet. However I could really do a three in a bed sesh with 'er and you in that uniform.

PC Wold: Watch it or I'll nick you right now. *to Amy* Is your mother correct?

Amy: Dunno. Whatever.

Jethro: What about moi computer.

Alistair exits stage left and returns with a bottle of wine and five glasses.

Alistair: Let us partake in refreshment while we iron out these problems........

....... to be continued

Anyway, here is the next scene in this major stage play:

ACT 1: Scene 5

Alistair ushers everyone back into the house and pours the drinks

Rosemary: *taking glass*Thankyou darling. I don't know what I'd do without you. If only your father were so understanding.

Steve: Ere I'm bleeding. I've cut me arm and me soddin arse.

Rosemary: Well that serves you jolly well right for your immoral behaviour earlier. You lack a sense of personal integrity.

Steve: Leave me alone you crabby old bitch.

Alistair: Don't you insult my mother.

Jethro: What about moi computer?

Rosemary: We are not interested in your darn computer. Take it up with Shaun.

As she says this, Shaun emerges from upstairs in his dressing gown, entering stage left.

Shaun: Whats all this noise? I'm trying to sleep.

Jethro: Oi waaaaant you to look at moi computer. That saaaaaaftware you saaaaald me has roight knackered it.

Shaun: Oh shut up you ridiculous yokel. *to Steve* What are you doing in my house?

PC Wold: I suggest we all calm down. Mr Lane, there has been an accident. However its all under control *downs glass of wine*.

Jethro: What about moi computer?

Steve: Shove it up your arse.

Jethro: Roight. If thaaaaats your last word then on your own 'ead be it. Don't say I didn't waaaarn eee. Red skoy in the marnin, shepherd's warnin'. *exits stage right*

Steve: My arse is sore.

Shaun: As said the curate to the Bishop.

Rosemary: Can we all please focus on sorting out our differences in an orderly way. I accept that Steven has done more harm to himself by his clumsy and immoral actions. I suggest we agree to part amicably.

Shaun: Stuff that. This yobbo can pay to replace my window. I go to work. He is a workshy layabout.

Amy: He's not. He's like just between jobs.

Alistair: Would anyone like a fondant fancy? *offers cake*

Steve grabs a cakeThere is a knock on the door and Rosemary opens it. In walks Cuthbert Leeman, the sixtysomething next door neighbour

Cuthbert: Sorry to intrude on you darlings but I just had to join you as I adore conversation. Mmmm fondant fancies, how delicious *takes a cake and gives Alistair's bottom a feel*.

Suddenly Steve keels over and makes a choking sound

Steve: *choke* the.... cake......can't ..... throat burning......

He goes silent. PC Wold inspects him

PC Wold: What have we here then? He's dead.

Amy: Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek!

PC Wold: Nobody move! I suspect foul play.......

...... to be continued.

Mod note: to avoid interrupting the creative flow, the assorted comments have been given their own thread. It is here.

Admin note - My eyes can't cope with all the colours!

OK, here is scene 6:

ACT 1: Scene 6

PC Wold gathers everyone into the lounge

PC Wold: The Inspector is on his way. This is a serious matter. I have acertained that the last thing the deceased did was to eat a fondant fancy.

Amy: *sobbing* This is like so unfair.

Alistair: I baked those fondant fancies myself earlier. I vouch for them.

Shaun *to PC Wold* Are you seriously implying that one of us fiddled with my son's fondant fancies?

PC Wold: Yes. I suspect poison.

Amy: *sobbing* This is like so.... *sob* like....

Rosemary: What will the neighbours think? This is a respectable area.

There is a knock on the door and it opens. Estelle elegantly glides in.

Estelle: Evening darlings *notices atmosphere* Why what has happened? You all look so displaced.

Rosemary: A drug-addled yobbo has been poisoned by one of Alistair's cakes.

Estelle: Oh darling how utterly awful for you.

Offstage the sound of a car drawing up is heard. Inspector Rigby enters

Inspector Rigby: Hello hello. Whats been going on here. Nobody move. I'll inspect the body.

He goes offstage into the other room. Then he comes back.

Inspector Rigby: He's definitely dead. Nobody move.

Cuthbert: Can I please go to the boys' room lovvie. I'm simply bursting.

Inspector Rigby: Stay where you are until you have been searched.

Cuthbert: You can search me anytime you want luvvie *winks*.

Inspector Rigby: *to PC Wold* Constable, give that man a good feel all over in case he has a concealed phial of deadly poison.

Rosemary: You can't seriously suspect any of us. We are respectable people.

Inspector Rigby: I suspect all including you.

Alistair: *flicks floppy hair back defiantly* Now look here. I'm going to have my say. This thug has clearly died as a result of drug abuse. How dare you imply that mother could be a suspect. You are just a minor public servant.

Cuthbert: Well said Alistair dear.

Inspector Rigby: Until I have got to the bottom of this you are all suspects.

Suddenly there is a loud thud outside

THUD

Followed by a rumbling sound

RUMBLE

.............. to be continued

ACT 1: Scene 7

The Inspector & PC Wold rush outside followed by everyone else (onstage the lights dim & the stagehands run on & change the set while a bit of music plays - Mozart)

Outside Jethro has dumped a load of manure outside the lane's house with his tractor & trailer (the stagehands empty a couple of wheelbarrows onto the stage)

Rosemary: Oh sugar! How awful. Our patio is covered with filth.

Jethro: Thaaat'l teach your 'usband to diddle me.

Shaun: Remove that **** at once.

Jethro: What about moi computer? Oi waaaant it fixed roight or thaaat stays where oive daaarmped it.

Rosemary: Inspector, please arrest this farmer for vandalism.

Inspector Rigby: I'm afraid this is a civil matter. What concerns me is the murder.

Alistair: This is typical of the police today. Respectable people are at the mercy of criminal activity and the police do nothing. What is to stop all decent people having mounds of cow dung dumped on their doorsteps?

Rosemary moves to the front of the stage and addresses the audience poigniantly. A single tear appears in her eye

Rosemary: Oh that this too too solid flesh would melt,
thaw and resolve itself into a dew.
To be or not to be a respectable middle-class person,
that is the question.
Whether it is nobler in the mind to put up with the rising tide of crime in Brown's Britain,
or to slash your wrists up and die,
entering that undiscovered country,
where unto the breach we go.
Out, out brief candles,
and yet, what light from yonder window does break?
It is the light of hope,
that the police will arrest all hoodies, druggies and oddball farmers,
and chuck them in prison.

Estelle: Well said darling!

Alistair: That was beautiful mother.

Jethro: What about moi computer?


........... to be continued

OK, here is the next part of this discerning play folks:

ACT 1 Scene 8

Everyone has moved back into the house where Alistair pours his mother a gin and tonic

Alistair: Drink this mummy, it will calm your nerves.

Rosemary: Thankyou darling, you are so thoughtful.

Jethro: What about moi computer?

Shaun: *to Inspector Rigby* When are you going to arrest this farmer? He clearly has a grudge against me and my family and is no doubt behind the poisoning. He must have been hoping I'd be first to grab a cake or else my wife.

Jethro: Ere daarn't you be accusin' me o' no paaaarsoning. Thaaaaat's slaaaarnder . Oooaaahhh slaaaander it be.

Inspector Rigby: Actually I have already used my powers of deduction to detect who the murderer is.

There is a sharp intake of breath from the cast. Cuthbert drops his glass.

Shaun: Well? Who is it then.

Inspector Rigby: The murderer is clearly..... *swings round and looks at Alistair* YOU! You baked the cakes so only you had opportunity to poison them.

Alistair: This is utterly preposterous. I put nothing untoward into my fondant fancies.

Rosemary: This is all too much *faints*

Estelle: Help her someone. This is most beastly.

Inspector Rigby: Wold arrest that boy! We will question him down at the station.

PC Wold grabs Alistair by his shirt collar and drags him offstage. Inspector Rigby exits with them.

Rosemary:*reviving* My poor baby *sob* what will happen to him? What will they say at the church institute?

Shaun: Oh well. Lets go to bed and deal with it tomorrow.

Rosemary: How can you say that when they're throwing your son in the cells?

Shaun: Look love, theres nothing we can do. Pull yourself together and have another G & T.

The doorbell rings. Rosemary opens it and in walks Bob Ware the plumber

Bob: Hullo. I've come to look at your blocked toilet.

Rosemary: Oh? But we didn't call you.

Shaun: I did love, before I came down earlier. I had a massive dump in the bog, a real ringstinger. When I flushed it it blocked. It overspilled.

Bob I'll 'ave a butchers at it.

Estelle moves up to him and strokes his face

Estelle: How about having a look at my plumbing first.

Bob: *grins* Yer on! Any holes a goal.

They run upstairs.

Jethro: Roight I'm orfff. Oil be back tomaaarow with more a moi cow muck for eee alll unless oi gets moi computer looked at *exits stage left*

Rosemary: *dabs eyes* This is all too much. I feel like a cracked eggshell.


......... to be continued.

Ok here is the much anticipated first scene of Act 2 folks:

ACT 2 : Scene 1

At the police station, Alistair is being interviewed.

Inspector Rigby: Ok, why not just spare us some time and just confess. I'm keen to get home as the wife has promised me a romp tonight.

Alistair: Look I'm not interested in your domestic arrangements. I am innocent.

Inspector Rigby: Balls. Just admit it, you poisoned the fondant fancies.

Alistair: Oh no I didn't. And I want to phone mummy's lawyer. I have a right to appropriate legal representation.

Inspector Rigby:*leans forward and grabs Alistair's shirt collars* Look ducky, we don't give a monkey's toss about rights in this station. Now confess or your teeth might emigrate from your mouth to parts foreign.

Alistair: This is absolutely beastly. Mummy will be furious. We pay our taxes so that the police can protect us from the criminal elements and instead we get treated as criminals ourselves. I did not poison Steve Crabbs.

There is a knock on the door and in walks PC Wold

Inspector Rigby: What the buggery **** do you want?

PC Wold: Sorry to disturb you Guv, however the initial report has come back from the lab.

Inspector Rigby: That was bloody quick.

PC Wold: Yeah Guv, we got Doctor Smythe to come in and do a quickie autopsy in the storeroom.

Inspector Rigby: What that old quack? Still if it gets the job done. What did he find?

PC Wold: He recons that the poison was not in the cake. Crabbs had also recently consumed a can of Stella and a beefburger. The poison was in the burger. It was Raisenanian, a slow acting rat poison.

Inspector Rigby: So it looks like this little twonk is off the hook. Ho hum.

Alistair: I would like an apology. My treatment here has been outrageous. Frankly I'm shocked that the police can behave so unprofessionally.

Inspector Rigby: Stop whining and bugger off. I'm off home for me oats. We'll resume the investigation tomorrow.

........... to be continued

OK folks, here is the next scene of this major work:

ACT 2: Scene 2

Back at the house, Rosemary is having a mini breakdown

Rosemary: *dabs eye with hanky* I simply don't know how we can get through this. What must Alistair be going through? I don't feel in control of my life anymore. I need a valium.

Shaun: He'll be ok.

Rosemary: But how the hell do you know that Shaun. And what about the state of our marriage? We never talk anymore. I feel like its all falling apart, like we are just a bad habit.

Shaun: Look love, its probably just time of the month. Have a G&T and a sleep.

Rosemary: *shouting* While you go off to see your floozy?

Shaun: *aside to audience* A change of tack needed. *To Rosemary* Look love, I see the pressure is getting to you. I'll phone the Doctor.

Shaun exits stage left, while Bob & Estelle descend the stairs.

Bob: Er well, thats the toilet fixed. Well blocked it was. Whoever did that dump must've been constipated for a month.

Rosemary: *sniff* Well we did have a large meal yesterday. I made a beef chilli.

Bob: It smelt like it. I can still smell it on me hands. Did you know that at the time of his death Elvis Presley had fifteen pounds of compacted faeces in his bowels?

Estelle: Darling, I don't think Rosemary wants to hear about faeces. Can we be a trifle more refined. *squeezes Bob's behind*.

Suddenly there is a knock on the door.

Estelle: I'll open it darlings.

She opens the door and in walks Alistair

Rosemary: *bursts into tears* My baby. *Hugs Alistair*

Alistair: It was horrible , absolutely ghastly. Horrible men acosting me and threatening to knock my teeth out.

Rosemary: Well I shall phone our solicitor. Its outrageous that the police should treat you like this. This is a respectable close not a sink estate.

There is another knock on the door. Estelle opens it and in walks the Doctor, a grey-haired man in his sixties. He carries a Doctors bag.

Doctor Smythe: Hello hello hello. Are you the patient?

Estelle: Not to my knowledge darling.

Rosemary: Er no its me. My husband called you, but there really is no need.

Doctor Smythe: Now let me be the judge of that madam. *pulls out stethoscope & listens to Rosemary's chest* Hmmm. There's something wrong with your heart. Also you look a bit yellow which suggests jaundice.

Alistair: Jaundice? This is awful. I might faint.

Estelle steadies him

Doctor Smythe: I'll give you some pills, these red ones are good. They're a general pick me up I found on the internet.

Suddenly there is a huge scream from outside in the garden...............


................... to be continued

I've just spotted this thread.

Slightly reminiscent of the old Brian Rix farces, I think. (That's a compliment, by the way.)

You're too old to remember them - they used to be peak viewing.

OK folks, here is the next part of this cutting edge play:

ACT Two: Scene Three

Rushing out into the garden, Rosemary, Bob, Estelle and Alistair are shocked to see that Amy has tripped up and fallen headfirst into the pile of cow manure

Amy: *hysterical* Help .... this is like mingin.... ****in help me , **** mingin like

Rosemary: Oh my poor darling. Mr Ware please help my daughter. It won't matter if any of that manure gets on you as you already smell.

Bob:*helps Amy up* There you are luv.

Alistair: The smell is overpowering. I may faint.

Amy: *sob* I'm like so not going out tonight now.

Rosemary: Its high time this stuff was cleared away. Some of it has cascaded onto my marigolds.

Alistair: At least the orchids are safe mother.

Rosemary: Yes, I must have a look in the greenhouse to make sure that all the negative vibrations out here haven't caused them to droop. They feel you know.

Alistair: I feel the need for a cultural trip to Florence after all this vulgarity. I need to see a Botticelli.

Rosemary goes to the greenhouse and peers in. She lets out a shriek.

Rosemary: SSHRIIIIEEEEKKK! There's a b..b..body in there. My poor orchids.

Estelle: Oh darling how awful for them. Fetch the Doctor Bob!

Bob enters manfully and comes out with Doctor Smythe

Doctor Smythe: *peering into the greenhouse* That is indeed a body. I will inspect said deceased patient. Stand back madam.

He opens the door and enters the greenhouse. Rosemary peers in the door.

Alistair: Who was the cadavour whence once it breathed?

Rosemary: Its the farmer! He's been battered.

Bob: Are there any chips to go with 'im?

Rosemary: This is no time for levity Mr Ware. What will the neighbours think?

Dr Smythe: I suggest you call the police immediately. There is clearly a serial killer on the loose.......


............... to be continued.

*awaits the next instalment*

Ok, here is scene 4 of the second dramatic act:


ACT 2: Scene 4

Everybody is gathered in the lounge. Inspector Rigby & PC Ware have arrived to ask questions

Inspector Rigby: Right. We have so far acertained that the corpse in the greenhouse belongs to a Mr Jethro Tull, a farmer over at Dorton-Bassett. *addressing Shaun* I understand sir that there was bad feeling between you and the deceased.

Shaun: Not really. The chap was ok.

Inspector Rigby: Come now sir, we wouldn't want to be evasive would we. Or it might have to be arranged for this interview to be conducted at the station where accidents have been known to happen, if you catch my drift sir.

Rosemary: Don't you threaten my husband. We are taxpayers.

Shaun: Ok, I admit that me and the farmer had a disagreement over some computer software. However I didn't kill him.

Amy: He like dumped a load of mingin cow**** on our path. I was like so upset when I fell in it.

Inspector Rigby: I thought something smelled like a sewer in here. I suggest you have another bath young madam.

Alistair: All of this talk of sewers and murder is too much. I may lie down here and die.

Rosemary: Don't worry darling, there is a ballet on at the weekend in London featuring three pieces in the style of Diagalev. I've booked us two seats.

Alistair: Oh thats marvellous. Can we fly to Greece next week to explore the Acropolis? I feel culturally bereft.

Shaun: Not on my money you can't. Earn your own.

Rosemary: Oh and I suppose you'll be spending it on your tart rather than on your family.

Estelle: Darlings, its very council to air your dirty washing in public. Let us consider the orchids.

Rosemary: Yes, when will that body be removed Inspector so I can examine them?

Inspector Rigby: When I say so madam and not before. When I have acertained who the killer is.

Shaun: I know who it is. There is a feral family that have just moved in down the street. The kids lurk about in hoodies and are obvious criminals. *points out the window* Look theres one of them now.

PC Ware runs out and comes back in dragging a hoodie youth by the collar

PC Ware: Here is the suspect sir.

Hoodie: I ain't done owt. Lemmie go or I'll slash yer up.

Inspector Rigby: Despite this youth's obvious criminality, I don't think he is our killer Ware. Check his pockets for drugs and bung him in the car.

Rosemary: If he didnt kill Tull then who did?

Inspector Rigby: Jethro Tull was battered to death with a piece of lead piping. Plumbers use piping. *Turns and points to Bob Ware* YOU are the killer!

Bob: Look mate, I'm innocent.

Estelle: Eeeeeeeeeek.........


.................. to be continued.

*holds breath and awaits denouement*

I particularly appreciate the name of the victim, with its allusions both to pop culture and history.

Noooo! I want more. This is Joe Orton meets Love Thy Neighbour and I want my fix!

OK, here is the next part of this dramatic play folks:

ACT 2: Scene 5

Later Rosemary & Shaun are in the bedroom enjoying a nightcap.

Rosemary: I don't know how we will get over this Shaun. We will be socially shunned. Our friends will melt away. I'll never again run the Church fete.

Shaun: You are over dramatising the situation. I am still a very successful businessman and money attracts friends like moths to a flame. Get a valium down your neck and have a good nights sleep.

Rosemary: What about the state of our marriage Shaun? I feel the trust has gone.

Shaun: Look love, I'll be perfectly honest with you. I like other women, especially if they're young and a bit dim. You promise them the earth, bed them and dump them. However I always come back to you so where is the problem? Its not like I go behind your back. Louis XIV of France had four mistresses on the go.

Suddenly the door flies open and in barges Amy in tears.

Amy: *hysterical* Theres like... like a like thing like....

Shaun: What are you on about?

Rosemary: Don't you dare shout at her like that. *To Amy* What is it darling.

Amy: Theres like a pig in my bed.

Shaun: Serves you right for dressing like a tart. Some boy you pulled in a club?

Amy: A PIG! Like a real pig!

Offstage the sound of grunting can be heard

Pig: Grunt grunt honk honk

Shaun: Ah! That explains what the farmer was doing here. He must have snuck into the house by the rear entrance and smuggled the porker upstairs. Then as he left he was bludgeoned.

Rosemary: You mean he shoved his porker in your rear entrance and up the passage?

Shaun: Exactly. I must phone Rigby. This may be crucial evidence.

Amy: Like what about my bed. Its like so mingin'. The pig has like crapped on my pillow.

Shaun: Turn it over then and sleep on the other side.

Suddenly the doorbell rings downstairs. This is followed by the sound of a large bang



BANG


................. to be continued

Here is the next gripping scene folks:

ACT 2: Scene 6

They all rush downstairs to the hall. They are confronted by the sight of two feral hoodie youths who have kicked the door in.

Hoodie 1: Yo we wanna find our mate

Hoodie 2: Yer yo called the pigs. We gonna slash yer up.

Hoodie 1: No one messes wiv the Beacham gang.

They both pull out knives

Rosemary: Do something Shaun. They've got knives. *To hoodies*. We pay our council tax to help the likes of you.

Shaun: *Looks at knives* Not very big are they? There are some bigger ones in our kitchen. *aside to audience* delaying tactic in operation.

Hoodie 1: We gon giv yer the Chelsea smile dude.

Alistair comes downstairs in his dressing gown

Alistair: What is all this excruciating noise. I have one of my heads *holds forehead*. I may faint.

A hoodie grabs him and holds a knife to his throat.

Rosemary: *shrieks*

Suddenly Estelle appears in the doorway.

Estelle: Darlings, please put down those weapons. Let us engage in discourse.

Hoodie 1: wee off!

Estelle feistily charges forward and karate chops the hoodie on the neck. She they uses martial arts kicks and chops on the other one. Shaun grabs an umbrella and pokes them hard. Their knives are knocked out of their hands and they flee.

Rosemary: Thank you Estelle. How on earth did you learn such skills.

Estelle: Darlings, when I was married to Rupert he made me take self-defence lessons in case of a break in.

Alistair: Three cheers for Rupert *faints*

Suddenly Bob Ware appears in the doorway

Bob: Hullo. The police have let me go. I'm in the clear. They believed my alibi that I was in bed with Estelle here giving her a right good shafting.

Rosemary: Then who is the killer?

There is the sound of a police car drawing up and in rushes PC Wold

PC Wold: Nobody move. There are two youths in the street next to this house. Lying dead.

Rosemary: EEEeeeeeeekkk.........

.................. to be continued.

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Continuing to enjoy this.

May I ask about something? In Act 2, Scene 5, Shaun uses the word 'snuck'. Is this a deliberate use of an Amercanism, rather than the British English form 'sneaked'?

Perhaps it is an example of the influence of American television upon Shaun's idiolect.

You may be right.

Rosemary: EEEeeeeeeekkk.........

.................. to be continued.

Here is the next stunning part folks:

ORCHIDS IN JUNE: ACT 2 Scene 7

A few hours later, everyone is in the lounge being interviewed by Rigby and Wold

Inspector Rigby: The Doctor has just phoned me after giving the bodies a quickie cut & probe. It seems that the two youths in question, Shane Hawkins and Billy Bates, were injected with deadly raflin, one of thew most potent poisons known to man. Frankly this is baffling. This chemical is restricted and not easily available.

Rosemary: When will this end? Who is doing this to us?

Alistair: Don't worry mother. At least those two thugs are off the streets. I feel an incredible urge to have a light salad.

Rosemary: It has been a very taxing day for you Ally dear. I'll go and prepare you something. Help yourself to more drinks people. *exits stage left*.

Estelle: *sipping a cocktail* One wonders how she copes you know. Poor Rosemary. Its simply beastly for her to have to hold things together in such a situation.

Alistair: Mother is a rock.

Estelle: Most certainly *sips cocktail*.

Bob Ware: Mind if I go upstairs for a slash? Me bladder's bursting.

Inspector Rigby: Thats ok sir. When you've got to go you've got to go fast as the stripper said to the bishop. *Bob exits stage left & Estelle slips out with him*

Rosemary returns with a large tray of salad nibbles and some plates.

Alistair: Oh mother you have excelled. *Nibbles a small salmon sandwich* Delicious. I feel rejuvinated.

Shaun: Well I'm having another scotch *pours a large glass*

Amy: Huh. I'm like so bored. When are we like going to find out who the **** the killer is?

Rosemary: Don't be common darling.

Rigby: Course and rather ugly your daughter may be, however she is essentially correct madam. It is time we ended this once and for all. Our enquiries have revealed the identity of the killer. And that person is here now in this very house.

Amy: Hey you like can't call me ugly.

Rigby: I apologise young lady. It just slipped out, as the flasher said to the judge.

Rosemary: Well? Who on earth is doing these awful murders?

Suddenly there is a massive bang from upstairs and the house shakes


BANG

.........to be continued.

OK folks, here is the penultimate part of this successful satirical play:

"ORCHIDS IN JUNE" Act 2 Scene 8

Everyone rushes upstairs to see what the bang was. Entering the main bedroom they are shocked to see Bob & Estelle naked under the bedclothes. One of the legs has broken on the bed and the whole thing has crashed down on one side.

Bob: Er hullo. We've buggered up your bed. Never mind though, I've got a mate who can get you a new 'un on the cheap.

Rosemary:*feels faint and leans on Alistair* This is too much. Estelle I'm surprised at you.

Estelle: *sipping a glass of champagne* Oh darling, don't be so petit-bourgeois. Have some champagne. Let us discuss Brecht and later the post-impressionists.

Alistair: Mother doesn't want to discuss Brecht. She's in a state of shock.

Inspector Rigby: I think a little calm is called for. It is clear that the bed collapsing is responsible for the bang and that it was due to an excess of bodily movement during intercourse. Too much banging led to the banging.

Rosemary: Cover your ears darling *reaches forward and covers Amy's ears with her hands.*

Amy: Thats like so embarassing.

Bob: Any road, are you lot gonna leave us a mo to finish what we started?

Rosemary: Get out of my bed you lecherous workman! Shaun, tell him.

Shaun: I'd suggest you get out of the bed, get dressed and leave now Ware. I have business connections and could see to it that you lose a lot of trade.

Alistair: Rough trade.

Bob: I can't just get up. Me pencil's still sharp, if you catch my drift.

Alistair: Oh we don't mind.

Rosemary: Well I do. I feel one of my heads coming on.

Alistair: Poor mother. She is a slave to her heads.

Estelle: Oh darlings, I find all of this rather melodramatic. Why don't you all go downstairs and I'll promise, how shall I put this, to have the bull milked and out into the field within ten minutes.

Amy: You like so don't milk a bull, its cows that get milked.

Shaun: How did I sire such a retarded daughter?

Rosemary: Don't talk to her like that Shaun. Can't you see that your family is in crisis? I suppose you're thinking about HER and when you can next arrange to meet up and continue your sordid affair.

Shaun: I am actually. I want to take her for a weekend in Rome. I was going to lie to you and pretend it was a business meeting, but why bother?

Alistair: Father you disgust me.

Shaun:*to Alistair* Oh remove that carrot from your backside and stop being a pompous prig. Oh and get a proper job!

Alistair: I have a proper job running the arts centre.

Rosemary: Well said darling. Your father doesn't appreciate culture. I'm going downstairs for a valium. *exits stage left*

Alistair: You've upset her now. All of you people disgust me. This house is culturally bereft. I feel almost plebian.

Inspector Rigby: Now then, now then. This bickering is getting us nowhere. I suggest we all go dowstairs to the lounge and leave these two to, ehm, get dressed.

Suddenly the lights mysteriously go out. The room is plunged into darkness and there is a piercing scream.

SCREAM

Inspector Rigby lights his cigarette lighter and they are all shocked to see.......

A kitchen knife has been plunged through Bob Ware's heart.......


............... to be continued.

OK, here it is. The final gripping scene in this major new stage play:


"ORCHIDS IN JUNE": ACT 2 Scene 9

Everyone is reassembled in the lounge as mortuary men remove Ware's corpse out the front door.

Shaun: Well thats well & truely ruined that bed. Sheets and all will need replacing now.

Estelle: sniff sniff *dabs eyes with hanky* My poor brave Bob. Cut down in his prime. This is utterly beastly. Darlings please pour me another glass of champagne.

Rosemary pours her a glass

Rosemary: Drink that darling. I don't know what will become of us. We'll become social outcasts.

Inspector Rigby: I think its time to bring this to a climax.

Alistair: If you know who the killer is then just tell us. I want to go to bed and read some Proust.

Inspector Rigby: *sips on a scotch* Now then. I can reveal to you that the killer is in this room with us right now.

COLLECTIVE GASP


Inspector Rigby: Let us examine the facts. Let us apply reasoned deduction.

Rosemary: Like Inspector Morse?

Rigby: Yes indeed madam. Let us consider who has most to gain from these deaths. Four of the victims are lower class in origin; two criminal hoodies who broke into here , a third who was sniffing round this little scrubber *Amy scowls* and lastly a lusty plumber who was at it in the homeowners' bed. Also we had the brutal killing of a farmer who was in legal dispute with the homeowner. The solution is clear.......... *turns to Shaun* YOU SIR are the killer!

COLLECTIVE GASP

Shaun: This is preposterous! I read the Daily Telegraph.

Inspector Rigby: You sir had a motive to get rid of all the victims. Furthermore, you were seen to poke the two youths with an umbrella. It must have had a poisoned tip. Very clever sir. And you obviously took advantage of the mysterious power cut to stab Ware. Wold, please arrest this man!

Shaun runs to a chest of drawers, opens it and pulls out a gun.

Shaun: Right, get back. I'm innocent. Just let me walk out of here and no one will get hurt. I'll be off abroad with my floozy in no time.

Rigby: Is that an illegal firearm sir?

Shaun: Decent respectable taxpayers need something for protection in case of burglars. Now back off.

PC Wold picks up a vase and cracks it over Shaun's head. He collapses.

Inspector Rigby: Nice work Wold. Now go and make us a cup of coffee love, all this booze is making me tired.And get some constables in to carry chummy here out.

Wold calls the constables from outside and they carry Shaun out

Rosemary: What will they say at the townswomen's guild meeting. My husband is a killer.

Alistair: I feel the urge to pour my feelings out in a poem.

Rigby: Well this just about wraps it all up. You can all sleep easily in your beds again, well apart from the one stained with all sorts with the knackered legs.



EPILOGUE SCENE


Later, Rosemary is in the greenhouse tending to the orchids and enjoying a glass of expensive red wine. She waters them tenderly and strokes their little stems.

Rosemary: It worked better than I could have hoped. They were bound to suspect Shaun in the end and that business with the gun just confirmed everything in their minds. There was no way I was just going to let him carry on seeing that woman. He can spend the rest of his days in jail. As soon as I found out about that yobbo seeing poor Amy, I knew I had to act. Decent, middle-class mothers in England need to stand up and be counted. You understand that my darling, darling orchids. I'm so sorry you had to see me kill that beastly farmer, but I needed to make them suspect Shaun. Putting poison in the tip of his umbrella was an idea to create some evidence to find, him using it onb the feral thugs was a delightful coincidence. As for that beastly plumber, well throwing the trip switch and running in and knifing him in the dark was just punishment for him being in my bed. This will always be our little secret my darlings. You will always know that Rosemary cares for you. There'll always be an England, while theres orchids in bloom in June!


THE END!